Episode 30: Couples With Unequal Incomes: Fairness, Pressure, and Partnership

September 2, 2026

Episode Takeaways

How should married couples manage money when one spouse earns significantly more than the other? Should everything be shared, kept separate, or organized around the goals they’ve agreed to pursue together?

In this episode, Danton Troyer and Kyle Luetters explore how income differences can affect marriage, particularly for corporate executives and business leaders whose careers may create a substantial earnings gap. They examine joint versus separate finances, how couples can value unpaid caregiving and household responsibilities, and why contribution can’t always be measured by income. Danton and Kyle also consider how career opportunities, time away from family, and personal fulfillment can influence shared financial decisions.

Danton and Kyle discuss:

How different childhood experiences with money can shape financial expectations in marriage
How couples can approach joint or separate finances when one spouse earns significantly more
Why caregiving and household responsibilities provide value that income alone can’t measure
How a strict 50/50 approach may create tension when spouses contribute in different ways
Why executive career decisions should consider income, family time, and shared financial goals
And more!

Connect With Danton Troyer:

Connect with Kyle Luetters:

Transcript

Intro: [00:00:00] Welcome to Wit, Wisdom, and What Matters Most with Danton Troyer and Kyle Luetters from Moneta Wealth Management. In this podcast, we help corporate executives and business leaders navigate the real-life uncertainty around new financial life stages, from complex benefits and career changes to retirement and legacy planning.

Join us as we explore these career and life-shaping moments with our guests, helping listeners find clarity so they can focus on what matters most to them

Kyle Luetters: And welcome to another edition of Wit, Wisdom, and What Matters Most. It’s a podcast with Moneta’s Gast Freeman Troyer team. My name is Kyle Luetters.

I’m joined by Danton Troyer. And Danton, no guests today. It’s really gonna just be the two of us, and probably tackling a topic that maybe if we’re thinking about it, we’re kind of glad we don’t have a guest.

Danton Troyer: Yes.

Kyle Luetters: If we didn’t have to kind of find someone to talk about this. We’re talking about among [00:01:00] other things, about the two M’s – marriage and money – and then also too, in certain scenarios, when there is a disparity potentially in income.

‘Cause, you know, we end up working with a lot of families where there are two incomes coming in, and usually they’re in the ballpark maybe or there’s kind of a reason why maybe someone’s a breadwinner primarily, and then the other one is staying at home. You know, we work with all sorts of types, but this is a real kind of meaty topic.

I just kind of want to preface this by saying there might be some pressure points in the conversation. There’s a lot of viewpoints that can be had out there, but as we really get started in thinking about this, like first and foremost, coming into a marriage-type relationship from a financial planner’s perspective, what’s kind of the room when you start asking people about their income and you start noticing maybe there’s some disparity?

As a financial planner, what starts going through your mind? What do you [00:02:00] see across the table with folks?

Danton Troyer: I mean, it certainly is all over the place, and that’s why I think this is somewhat of a controversial topic because, money’s always gonna have some controversy. But, you know, money in this regard is part of this marriage, and everybody views marriage maybe a little bit differently as well, and how you were brought up.

And we could say the same thing about money, but now you’re trying to put them both together in one kinda conversation. And it gets difficult real fast. And so to your point, trying to get a guest on here to explain how broken or good their marriage is, nobody’s got this 100%, I know that for sure.

Nobody has this 100% figured out. But the reality is, money’s the number one cause of divorce in the country. So it is a problem that needs to be discussed.

Kyle Luetters: It is, and I think too because there are so many ties back to things in our childhood, ways [00:03:00] that we approach things, how it shapes us. At the end of the day, money truly is a tool, but it is so visceral, and we have such a connection to it.

And my wife and I do premarital counseling, and so we end up with a lot of couples. By the way, they’re not only young whippersnappers, milk behind the ear, first time people. They are also people that are maybe on their second, third, one time fourth marriage. And you see a lot of things because everybody brings their own baggage in with it because they likely had some influences in their life, whether that was their parents, stepparents, somebody in their life. Maybe they were raised by their grandparents. They bring some of those preconceived notions about things into the whole deal, and then, oh, by the way, you’re gonna put this whole enterprise together.

Danton Troyer: Mm-hmm.

Kyle Luetters: And now the two of you are gonna have something that’s deeply personal to you, and you’re gonna have to figure out hopefully how to reconcile it or- You keep it [00:04:00] separate. I mean, talk about some of the times where you’ve seen people come together and everything, but they still say, “I’ve got mine and, and you’ve got yours.”

Like, what, what, what, what planning challenges does that present?

Danton Troyer: Yeah, and I think that that’s just it, especially, you know, as, you know, we talk with a lot of executives. Generally speaking, you know, they, they… If you’re in the executive position, you’re making pretty good money, and just statistically, I mean, it’s gonna be very difficult for have two spouses making that much money just from a probability standpoint.

So there usually is some sort of disparity, if not a complete disparity where, you know, the, you know, the executive level, you know, spouse makes enough money where the other person doesn’t have to stay home. But that, you know, that certainly creates some challenges. Obviously, there’s, the income is coming to the household, but, you know, how do they treat the, quote, quote, “value” each is providing?

And there’s no way to do it. I mean, there’s certainly, you know, there’s better and, uh, worse ways to do it, but I mean, that becomes a challenge of how do you value [00:05:00] each other, and how do you perceive that? And that’s where I think it comes back to, you know, just how do you perceive marriage, and then how do you…

You know, that comes from your upbringing as well. And we were talking about a little bit before the show, but I mean, the input from which marriage you’re on in some cases- Mm-hmm … and, you know, and which goes back, are you okay getting divorced, I guess, is at the, at the end of the day. Like, how does that play into it as well?

Because that’s one thing we’ve certainly seen is second marriages are typically treated much different than the first marriage from a financial standpoint.

Kyle Luetters: You’re, you’re, you’re, you’re spot on because especially if there’s kids, and, and you and I have seen this from sitting in the planning chair, you get onto a second marriage, if there’s kids involved, then there’s usually separate inheritances.

Yeah. It’s kind of that Brady Bunch effect. Yeah. You know? When Mike and Carol came together and, like, she had her kids, he had his kids, and it’s like, what do you do from this on forward? Do you, do you just treat them all the same, or do you, you know, you kind of keep things separate? [00:06:00] Uh, one, uh, and, and this is good for story time, by the way.

One, and, and I’m perfectly comfortable sharing this story now. These folks have since moved on. The most uncomfortable I’ve been in, in a client meeting Was a couple that kept finances separate. And I’m not saying that’s what made me uncomfortable, it’s just we went through their… They had separate portfolios, they had separate packets that we went through, they had separate financial goal plans that we put up on the screen, and he had substantially more than her.

Like, he had inherited substantially more than her, and they kept it all separate. She, from an investment standpoint, liked to be a little more aggressive, so her portfolio grew a little faster. We get through the entire meeting, we go through his stuff, we go through her stuff, and, you know, we kinda just do our little thing at the end.

You know, “Hey, you know, what was your big takeaway from today?” And he turned and looked at her and said, “I think with what you’re pulling in, you can pay for dinner more.”

Danton Troyer: Uh, yeah, [00:07:00] would not wanna be at that dinner that night, then.

Kyle Luetters: I was like… And, and you know when you can tell, like, you think someone might get killed just by a look?

Danton Troyer: That was it, huh?

Kyle Luetters: Uh, you did not wanna get in that line of fire, brother, I’m telling you. Um- Yeah,

Danton Troyer: and I think that’s the difficult part is- Yeah … whatever you’re providing to the relationship, and I, I would like to get your opinion on this, I mean, that is the most important thing. So for example, if you are bringing in the dollars to the family, like, you perceive that as the most important thing to the relationship because that’s providing, you know, the, the, the house, you know, the, you know, the cars, the food.

I mean, that’s keeping the family running. But the same thing can be said for whoever, you know, in the, uh, staying home, for example. To say that that’s not providing, if not the same value, it’s completely different, and you can’t… That’s the hard part is, I think, trying to compare those two, and that’s where I, I’ve seen a lot and, and right there where you kinda illustrated, that’s where the problems start to rise, where you try to compare, like, some net value that you’re providing to the [00:08:00] family, and it’s like then it becomes a challenge of, “Well, I need to do this so, like, I’m providing equal,” and what is equal?

I think that’s the hard part.

Kyle Luetters: When, when you think about this and when you drive this back, and again, I’m gonna preface a lot of this conversation by saying there are a lot of deeply held beliefs that folks have around this topic. That’s why at the very beginning we were like, “This is gonna be fun,” or we might get a lot of email about this.

So please forward it on over, we’ll be glad to read it. I will say this, to Dan’s point, it’s how you view this. If you’re trying to find a way to make this all equal, in my experience, either as a financial planner and as also too as, like, a premarital counselor, if you ever find a way to do it- … please let me know.

I- I’ve got a lot of folks that wanna talk to you. It’s almost like a boulevard of broken dreams of people trying to figure that out, because there’s no true way to quantify it. I did an exercise one time because [00:09:00] I was a young, frustrated husband. And I really… And again, you wanna… I mean, the, just this side of a young, dumb teenage dude is a young, frustrated husband.

And I tried to quantify exactly how much, ’cause my wife said, “Hey, I feel called to stay at home,” which code for me going, “Oh, great. We’re cutting our income in half.” Work more. Yeah. I quantified how much childcare, meal prep, shopping, all this other stuff, pre-COVID, cost.

Danton Troyer: Yeah

Kyle Luetters: I stood down very quickly ’cause I realized I couldn’t afford to pay her

Danton Troyer: All right.

Kyle Luetters: You know what I’m saying? It’s like- Yeah … you know, if you were to pay the fair market value-

Danton Troyer: Of those items …

Kyle Luetters: of, and I’m, and by the way, I’m not being sexist at all here. It can be either spouse-

Danton Troyer: Yeah, for

Kyle Luetters: sure … at all. It can be either one. I, I, I know scenarios of both, and frankly, when the honest conversation is [00:10:00] had, and everybody’s cool with what they are doing and what they want to do and how they’re contributing, those are some of the, I’m not gonna necessarily say the most happy, but the most fulfilled relationships that we come across.

Because you realize that 50 and 50 doesn’t always equal 100%. I realize I just stumbled over a huge thing in math, let me explain. Sometimes you wanna have the whole of something, and you’re putting in efforts to get to that whole. But oftentimes it’s not you put in 50 and I put in 50. It’s never gonna just be that simple.

And back to your point, like, if one spouse, like again, full stop, in our marriage, primary breadwinner, my wife has been at home all summer with the kids, and that’s her primary function. Now, she does her own thing on the side. She’s got things that, uh, invigorate her, and she has fun doing those. But we’ve sat down and we’ve had a decision as a family unit [00:11:00] that her gifts and talents are best spent there, and my gifts and talents are going out and making, you know, making enough output so that somebody gives us certificates of appreciation with presidents’ faces on them.

Danton Troyer: Perfect.

Kyle Luetters: That’s what, you know, so that’s what it is. We’ve got other friends that it’s the inverse of that. I think when you get into the deal where you’re, like I s- like you said there, trying to make it fair and a 50/50 input, it’s never gonna be 50/50. There’s gonna be seasons where they’re putting in more or you’re putting in more, and, and, and, and having misaligned expectations-

Danton Troyer: Mm-hmm

Kyle Luetters: around that I think I’ve seen both as a planner and in sitting in other chairs is where I feel like people get a little wayward with things, and there can be some dissatisfaction. I’m not gonna say jealousy or envy. I would say discontentment comes up.

Danton Troyer: That’s a good word for it, yeah. I mean, we’ve both seen several, I don’t know if several’s even enough, but different ways as far as married folks can, uh, manage their money.

I mean, we’ve talked, I mean, generally speaking, I mean, then there’s every flavor of [00:12:00] either it’s combined or it’s separate.

Kyle Luetters: Mm-hmm.

Danton Troyer: And then, uh, so Where do you think, and I know there’s no right or wrong answer necessarily to it, but what do you think it would be the, the preferred method, especially if there is that big gap in that?

I mean, do you … To me, I mean, I would, uh, I don’t think you can do it if there’s that big of a disparity where you can have separate finances ’cause then, I mean, you know, you’re trying to go on vacations and, you know, your spouse can’t afford it. Like- Exactly … that doesn’t, that doesn’t seem like a great relationship.

So I mean, to me, like, I understand why some folks will have separate finances, but- Mm-hmm … I just can’t see that working if there is a big disparity, and so maybe that’s part of the pushback, too. And to your point, it is just tough to get things … Not tough, impossible to get things equal. I-

Kyle Luetters: it, it’s tough and impossible to get things equal, and I’ll, I’ll also challenge you this as well.

When you have a company, Apple does not keep two sets of books between- Right … operations and [00:13:00] sales. They don’t. Yeah. It is one company. It is one entity. They are doing things in theory for the good of one entity. Mm-hmm. Not to distill this down too simply, but I think in some cases you need to think of that marriage, and then ultimately if you have kids, that family as an entity, and what is the best for the overall thing.

If there’s money coming into this entity that we call our family inc., then it doesn’t matter, like, who brought what inputs into that because we have, we’ve had conversations about what relation goals, relationship goals are, money goals are together, everything like this or that, to where we’re all pulling towards getting towards common goals together.

Danton Troyer: All right. How do you, uh, account for happiness level? For example, you know, I make all the money, but I’d be l- lot happier, you know, staying home with the kids, for example. But that just doesn’t make any sense ’cause, you know, the, a, a spouse doesn’t have maybe the income potential as [00:14:00] the other spouse, so it kinda works out that way.

What do you … I mean, w- just in the conversation you, you’ve had with couples, what do you think that comes down to? And is there a way to Again, equalize is not the right word, but account for that maybe. Or should it be? Or should it be part of the conversation?

Kyle Luetters: I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. As much as I love doing this-

Danton Troyer: Yeah

Kyle Luetters: if I could just be a YouTube barbecue guy- … that’s what I would do 100%. All day. All day long. However, this, though, allows me to help our family achieve goals, and those are conversations my wife and I talk about. At a certain point, a lot of us are adults in the room. We have to do things that, that we don’t always necessarily want to do 100% love every single day.

There has to be some honesty about that, and I think the more honest and candor-filled conversations that are had-

Danton Troyer: Yeah …

Kyle Luetters: where there are no hidden agendas, and I know this is difficult, and I know we’re wading into a lot of stuff, but hey, we’re talking money and relationships here. [00:15:00] The more that you can introduce those safe spaces into the conversation, it ratchets down the pressure on things being equal, there being any jealousy, envy or, or, or this feeling of I’m not enough if I don’t have an income that high.

And maybe if I am making a ton of income, and I don’t like what I’m doing, but I feel like I gotta do it.

Danton Troyer: Mm-hmm.

Kyle Luetters: Maybe it’s a level set of like, w- okay, what are our goals for our family? Do I need to do this?

Danton Troyer: Yeah.

Kyle Luetters: Do I need to be around for that?

Danton Troyer: Yeah, and I think that lend itself especially to the executive conversation where- Right

I mean, I’ve had plenty of clients who will make that sacrifice, but they got a great opportunity. I mean, they, you know, they get a… If they hit their goals, you know, they take a, a, a position. I, I, I mean, I’ve had clients in different states for, you know, years, and I’m, I was a part of the, the spousal conversation obviously.

But, you know, you hear ti- tidbits of how, you know, how they came to that decision. B- ’cause to me, like Ooh, I c- I don’t know the dollar amount to have me live in a different state [00:16:00] from my family for two years. Like, I, I, I don’t know what that dollar amount would be. I mean, I haven’t been put in that position, thankfully.

Like, I always get to come home to my family, you know- Right … a trip here or there, but, you know, I get to come home to my family. So I, I just, I, I don’t know how they can make those decisions, I don’t wanna say so easily. Obviously it’s not easy, but, um, to be able to do that. But I, I think your point is spot on.

I mean, at the end of that, there’s probably a big payout that the family, you know, pays for every kid’s college. You know, you know, you’ve got retirement set. So there’s kind of a light at the end of the tunnel. I, you know, I, I see that quite a bit, but may- uh, we’re, we’re talking these, I think that lends itself to kinda having an advisor, you know, financial advisor that you can come to to go back and say, “Yeah, I’m gonna take this payout.

What does this mean, not in dollars and cents, but what does this mean to our family?” I think is a really good conversation that, I, I don’t know, from your perspective, you see that come into the, the conversation when they’re trying to make these decisions.

Kyle Luetters: Well, I, I wanna put a flag in this because I think this is a part of a much [00:17:00] larger conversation.

I think we- Yeah … we need to address that a little bit more. But, but what we’re gonna kinda, like, you know, put the clicker down on this one for right now. So please be sure to like and subscribe to Wit, Wisdom and What Matters Most. We are gonna finish this conversation, but we want to do it justice. So come on back.

We’re gonna have a, a, the, the follow-up ep- episode where we kind of finish this on out. We appreciate y’all listening to it. It is a production of Moneta’s Gast, Freeman, Shroyer team, headquartered here in St. Louis, Missouri, and we’ll be back with the second half of this discussion.

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